My Mental Health Journey

Warning: Long story.

So... This is it. Feeling uncomfortable though, but today, I'm going to share you my mental health journey. 

lezgaw mga darleng!

The Beginning...

I'm Anja. 27 years old.

I'm playful and friendly when I was in grade school. It changed when I entered high school. I was excited at first, but later on feeling ko, iba ako sa paningin nila. I felt intimidated and shy. I became hesitant to make new friends, thinking that they don't wanna get along with me, or they already hate me. From that, I developed my "emo" side. I got few friends, tapos temporary pa, and it's a pain for me kase seryoso ako sa mga kaibgan ko. I had relationships with the opposite sex at that very young age, which almost ruined my studies and my life. I tried to end my life by drinking bleach when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was saved by a glass of warm water with sugar. My parents were very mad and worried about me, because something wrong is happening to me.

I was in third year high school when I was sexually harassed by my next boyfriend 7 years older than me. And I was exposed more to idiocy when I was in 4th year high school. I tried some of them, I thought it was normal and part of maturity. Then I got more friends, and no longer bothered if it's a short relationship. Still an "emo", but I gained a bit of optimism and confidence.

Some high school pics

I thought I was all good when I entered college, but my circle remained small. I started with 10+ friends, but now, I can't even remember their names. Friendships didn't last due to betrayals. I find it hard again to make friends. Someone said I'm a weirdo. I talk less, that's why people are uncertain to get along with me. I can still feel from their stares that they do not like me, and I'm different from them. I became fragile, but I still tried to be strong. 

Some college pics.

I met this guy when I was in third year college, and we were in a relationship for 6 years. I changed a lot noong naging kami. Parang may bagong "Anja" sa katauhan ko. The problem is, I developed self-harming (cutting and self-blaming) when we have problems. That's to avoid long fights, and for him not to leave me, so I'll take all the blame instead. My goals were set for the both of us. He introduced me to his family, and pinaglaban ko siya sa family ko. I thought that I'm strong, beautiful, wise, and enough. But we ended up in September 2018. It was devastating, and it changed my view on life. There's no sense of being happy again. Nothing is real. Shit will still happen even you do good things. Hindi ko na ulit kilala ang sarili ko. Our break up, and the stress I get from my family affected my job, social interactions, and well-being. 

Going To The Present...

I was still broken when I got into a relationship once again, an action I made out of being indecisive. I already moved on from that guy I've been with for six years, but I still feel ugly and unworthy. No direction. I still do not believe in anyone and in anything. I still feel helpless, even the help is already in front of me. Sometimes, I know what to do, but I can't initiate. I'm stuck between moving forward and doing nothing, because my mind tells me I'll still face the same pain, either I do good or bad.

Until, August 9, 2019, I tried to end my life again kase pagod na akong maghintay sa buhay na pangtapat sa lahat ng efforts ko. I posted it on my Twitter account (I also shared it on my IG Story) that I will try overdosing, and I will get back with a new tweet if I'm still alive.

This was me with my family, the day before "that." Funny how I can still manage to smile here, while I'm already broken inside.

This was me after I sent back home from the hospital.

I thought things would change after that, but it didn't. I resorted to smoking and infidelity just to tell myself I'm not being unfair to myself, since everyone is just fooling around. But later on, I decided to stop and focus on my self improvement. I have neglected myself too much. I went back to proper diet and exercise, and focus on the present.

But before 2020 ended, I found out that my boyfriend was also cheating on me. I got even more devastated. I never thought everything I was thinking are right. I'm a trash, unworthy, ugly. Pero bakit ngayon pa kung kailan tinutulungan ko na ang sarili kong makabangon ulit. We didn't broke up. I gave him a chance, bilang nag-cheat din ako. Hindi pa nga lang niya nalalaman.

Anxiety and panic attacks got even worse with self-harming again when the COVID-19 came, and when I confessed my infidelity to my boyfriend. I worry much about my family and my job. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because of what he knew. I worry much about everything. I miss my friends. I miss the office. I miss travelling, one of my therapy. I cannot go outside because of the lockdown, so I find it hard to keep my sanity, especially one of my stressors are the family issues. I panic easily into problems that can easily solve. I easily get affected by the problems of other people, negative posts in social media, and news. I cry every night, and even while working. I lost my appetite, and I wanted to chuck up what I ate. Fear is what I feel before going to bed and after waking up. My arms and legs are always trembling, my body is always feeling tensed, sometimes, it reaches my head. I bang my head on the wall. I pinch myself. I'm thinking of killing myself again. I made other people get mad at me, and some just drifted away from me. But I can't help it, it's hard for me to trust anyone. I don't trust myself either. I hate myself even more.

The Treatment...

I decided to reach a psychologist on June 2020. The diagnosis? Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

I was advised to undergo 1/week psychotherapy and 6 months of medication, but I chose the medicine only, which I thought the fastest way to heal. But the side effects kick as hell. It makes me barely move, I got chills and it wakes me up in the middle of the night to vomit. So, I tried to find another psychiatrist for an alternative, but ended up having a consultation with another psychologist instead. I presented the documents I got from the previous psychologist. After 4 hours of evaluation and discussion, he said that I also have borderline personality disorder. I was advised to continue the medicine, as the side effect is just in the beginning, and go through counselling/psychotherapy.

The Progress...

I decided to stop the medicine after 5 months. I continue psychotherapy, but I can't do that weekly as recommended, because it is expensive. As an alternative, I started writing a journal (which I eventually stopped because I don't like writing hehe), practice breathing exercise, meditation, and other indoor activities. One of my favorite is cooking. I'm also trying yoga. It's not easy, but it's fun. Drinking soft drinks, milk tea, and coffee worsen my anxiety/panic attacks, and I learned to control it, though it was hard at first because those are my favorite. I got my appetite back, and my weight is getting better (from 41KG to 47KG, target is 50-55KG as per my BMI). I'm doing work out again. It's effective for me because it stimulate the release of serotonin, which I need to stabilize my mood.

I usually don't open up to my family, but I am now able to share my current condition to them, little by little, because they are still in denial. I also shared this to some of my friends and workmates. At first, I was hesitant because I'm afraid of being discriminated, but so far, I never heard anything about it. I learned to cut ties with people from the past. I still have my trust issues and I became very skeptical, but I'm still trying not to add toxicity to my current relationship as much as possible.

I deleted my Twitter account last year, and my Facebook account last month. I do not watch or read news. I'm active on Instagram only, as it is less toxic there. Reducing time on social media and avoiding news give positive effects on me. I'm still dealing with anxiety/panic attacks, but it's not as often as before. To cope with the new situation during COVID-19, I travel once in a while. This is to help me reduce the fear and anxiety. There's no episode of self harm and suicide thoughts so far, but still, I cannot guarantee that those will never pass on my mind again. Another thing that I'm trying to work with right now is stress. When I'm stressed, naninira ako ng gamit, or sumisigaw. My pacing is slow, but progress is progress.

My recent travel in Manila.

So, that's it for today. I hope this clarifies everything sa mga curious sa current state ko, and actually, nahihirapan na ako mag english. Let me know pag may maling grammar ako. If up to this point nandito ka pa rin, maraming salamat sa iyo. Feel free to send me messages, tips, and advices to help me cope in this situation.

Take care of your mental health, everyone. Stay safe and pray always! 
♥, Anja

Life Update: Online Interaction Fatigue

Finally, a new blog after more than a year! But this is not the usual blog na pino-post ko. No travel blogs for now due to the pandemic. This time, I call it "life update". I've been uploading vlogs recently about my online shopping, food, and daily routine. This one is about one thing that I'm trying to cope with up to now - Online interacting.

So... I hope everyone's well. Given our current situation (na mahigit 1 year na), we have no choice but to keep ourselves safe inside our home. No going outside, unless it's for essential needs. No physical contact with friends for now, kaya lahat ng kwentuhan, bonding, minsan events, sa online na lang muna.

Today, I will share what happened to me last Thursday. I should've published this earlier, but I have too much time na sa screen. Imagine, from Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm, maghapon akong nasa harap ng computer, typing and talking with customers. So, I spent time muna away from my computer and cellphone.

I woke up at 7am, feeling demotivated already. Nasabi ko agad sa sarili ko, "eto na naman, trabaho na naman maghapon." Work from home is our current setup. Kung dati, bago magtrabaho, nakikipagkamustahan muna sa workmates or mag be-breakfast with them. Ngayon, mag aayos lang ako ng sarili, mag aalmusal mag isa, at mauupo na sa harap ng computer at magtatrabaho. I ate spaghetti for breakfast. Kinalimutan ko muna ng bahagya ang pagiging demotivated, since I had one of my favorite food to start the day.

Hindi pa nangangalahati ang araw, ramdam ko na ang pagod ko sa trabaho. Sunod-sunod ang calls and complicated inquiries ng mga customers. Kung dati, nakakapag vent out pa between calls sa workmates. Ngayon, sa group chat na lang ang lahat ng hanash. Malaki pa rin ang difference mula doon sa physical mo silang nakikita at nakakatabi, at nakaka-kwentuhan mo habang wala pang calls. But I kept going kahit na nakaka-stress na. Until it's lunch time, I had ginisang kalabasa. Ako lang ulit mag isa because my parents were working, and my sister was with her boyfriend.

Few hours left before my shift ends, feeling ko drained na ako. Lumipas ang break scheds ko nang hindi ko nagamit sa pakikipag bonding with workmates. Before, we spend time sa lounge sa taas ng company gym, o sa labas ng office to smoke. Now, mag isa lang ako, and some of them are unreachable kahit sa cellphone due to different shifts. Naisip ko, baka hindi ito pagod, kundi boredom lang itong nararamdaman ko. So, during my 1 hour break, nag workout ako. I did cardio exercise and stretching.

But I felt more tired after I workout. Hindi ako makapag hintay na matapos yung work ko for that day, and switch to my cellphone na to talk with friends online. Until it was 5pm na, parang gusto kong mag shutdown na lang din na parang computer ko, dahil hindi ko na kaya yung pagod ko. Yung pagod na hindi ko alam if I was physically, or mentally tired.

(This was posted on my Facebook account.)

I kept scrolling, and reading and answering messages, dahil uhaw ako sa kausap (daily, since the lockdown started), pero unti unti na akong nawawalan ng mga salita. Hindi ko na alam kung paano magre-reply kase nanginginig na ako sa pagod at gutom. But I have to move once more. Nakauwi na ang tatay ko from work at nakapag luto na rin ng dinner. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pagkain lang siguro ang kailangan ko para maging ok ako bago man lang tuluyang matapos ang araw na ito.

(Nilagang Baka, luto ng tatay ko for dinner.)

Ramdam kong pinagmamaasdan ako ng tatay ko habang kumakain ng mabagal (masarap yung ulam, pero hindi ko na ikakaila pa, hindi na talaga ako ok.) Noong natapos na silang kumain ni nanay, hindi umalis sa tabi ko si tatay. Siguro ramdam niya na hindi ako ok, hindi lang siya makapagsalita. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ie-explain sa tatay ko yung nararamdaman ko noong araw na iyon, kase ayoko sanang makadagdag sa alalahanin niya, lalo na ngayon na may sama din siya ng pakiramdam.

Toothbrush lang ang nagawa ko sa sarili ko after dinner, then I went back to my room to rest. That night, nagkaroon kami ng nobyo ko ng video call, and at last, nakapag vent out ako ng mga saloobin at nararamdaman ko. 

(Ako at ang nobyo ko via video call.)

I'm so tired of this situation na through social media sites or SMS lang muna ang way para makipag usap sa mga kaibigan. I understand that it's been more than a year already, na dapat sanay na ako, pero para bang hindi ako para sa ganito. Hindi tayo para sa ganito, at hindi dapat tayo hanggang dito lang. Gaya ng nasabi ko kanina, gusto ko ng laging may kausap, but as much as I wanted na makipag kwentuhan after a very tiring day, hindi ko na siya magawa. Nakakapagod nang humarap sa screen ng cellphone at mag type ng messages.

Nakaka-miss yung physical bondings with friends during breaks and after work. Ibang iba pa rin talaga yung may physical contact with friends, mas nakakawala ng stress. Dati, ok lang ma-stress sa work kase may katabi kang kaibigan to share all your hanash. Ngayon, lalo nang nakaka-stress dahil magkakalayo kami, hindi lang one seat apart, kundi kilometers away.

And tomorrow, it's Monday again. Nandito yung nagwo-worry ako agad kase baka maramdaman ko na naman yung ganitong pagod at stress, hindi sa trabaho, kundi sa paghahanap ng physical interaction with friends.

If up to this point nandito ka pa rin at nagbabasa, maraming salamat sa iyo. I hope you guys are safe wherever you are. Always follow our safety protocols para maiwasan ang pagkakahawaan ng COVID-19. Magkaroon tayo ng ambag to stop the spread of this virus, para makabalik na tayo sa normal - yung free na tayo from face masks and face shields, yung wala nang alalahaning sakit, yung makakaharap at mahahawakan na muli natin ang ating mga kaibigan.

Feel free to send me messages, tips, and advices to help me cope on this situation.

Instagram: eyardiph

Facebook: The Curious Anja

Thank you guys! Stay safe and pray always!

♥, Anja

No Lies Allowed Shirt by Fact

No Lies Allowed Shirt by Fact
Date: 2 April 2021
Location: Indang, Cavite
Photographer: Jena Darvin