My Mental Health Journey

Warning: Long story.

So... This is it. Feeling uncomfortable though, but today, I'm going to share you my mental health journey. 

lezgaw mga darleng!

The Beginning...

I'm Anja. 27 years old.

I'm playful and friendly when I was in grade school. It changed when I entered high school. I was excited at first, but later on feeling ko, iba ako sa paningin nila. I felt intimidated and shy. I became hesitant to make new friends, thinking that they don't wanna get along with me, or they already hate me. From that, I developed my "emo" side. I got few friends, tapos temporary pa, and it's a pain for me kase seryoso ako sa mga kaibgan ko. I had relationships with the opposite sex at that very young age, which almost ruined my studies and my life. I tried to end my life by drinking bleach when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was saved by a glass of warm water with sugar. My parents were very mad and worried about me, because something wrong is happening to me.

I was in third year high school when I was sexually harassed by my next boyfriend 7 years older than me. And I was exposed more to idiocy when I was in 4th year high school. I tried some of them, I thought it was normal and part of maturity. Then I got more friends, and no longer bothered if it's a short relationship. Still an "emo", but I gained a bit of optimism and confidence.

Some high school pics

I thought I was all good when I entered college, but my circle remained small. I started with 10+ friends, but now, I can't even remember their names. Friendships didn't last due to betrayals. I find it hard again to make friends. Someone said I'm a weirdo. I talk less, that's why people are uncertain to get along with me. I can still feel from their stares that they do not like me, and I'm different from them. I became fragile, but I still tried to be strong. 

Some college pics.

I met this guy when I was in third year college, and we were in a relationship for 6 years. I changed a lot noong naging kami. Parang may bagong "Anja" sa katauhan ko. The problem is, I developed self-harming (cutting and self-blaming) when we have problems. That's to avoid long fights, and for him not to leave me, so I'll take all the blame instead. My goals were set for the both of us. He introduced me to his family, and pinaglaban ko siya sa family ko. I thought that I'm strong, beautiful, wise, and enough. But we ended up in September 2018. It was devastating, and it changed my view on life. There's no sense of being happy again. Nothing is real. Shit will still happen even you do good things. Hindi ko na ulit kilala ang sarili ko. Our break up, and the stress I get from my family affected my job, social interactions, and well-being. 

Going To The Present...

I was still broken when I got into a relationship once again, an action I made out of being indecisive. I already moved on from that guy I've been with for six years, but I still feel ugly and unworthy. No direction. I still do not believe in anyone and in anything. I still feel helpless, even the help is already in front of me. Sometimes, I know what to do, but I can't initiate. I'm stuck between moving forward and doing nothing, because my mind tells me I'll still face the same pain, either I do good or bad.

Until, August 9, 2019, I tried to end my life again kase pagod na akong maghintay sa buhay na pangtapat sa lahat ng efforts ko. I posted it on my Twitter account (I also shared it on my IG Story) that I will try overdosing, and I will get back with a new tweet if I'm still alive.

This was me with my family, the day before "that." Funny how I can still manage to smile here, while I'm already broken inside.

This was me after I sent back home from the hospital.

I thought things would change after that, but it didn't. I resorted to smoking and infidelity just to tell myself I'm not being unfair to myself, since everyone is just fooling around. But later on, I decided to stop and focus on my self improvement. I have neglected myself too much. I went back to proper diet and exercise, and focus on the present.

But before 2020 ended, I found out that my boyfriend was also cheating on me. I got even more devastated. I never thought everything I was thinking are right. I'm a trash, unworthy, ugly. Pero bakit ngayon pa kung kailan tinutulungan ko na ang sarili kong makabangon ulit. We didn't broke up. I gave him a chance, bilang nag-cheat din ako. Hindi pa nga lang niya nalalaman.

Anxiety and panic attacks got even worse with self-harming again when the COVID-19 came, and when I confessed my infidelity to my boyfriend. I worry much about my family and my job. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because of what he knew. I worry much about everything. I miss my friends. I miss the office. I miss travelling, one of my therapy. I cannot go outside because of the lockdown, so I find it hard to keep my sanity, especially one of my stressors are the family issues. I panic easily into problems that can easily solve. I easily get affected by the problems of other people, negative posts in social media, and news. I cry every night, and even while working. I lost my appetite, and I wanted to chuck up what I ate. Fear is what I feel before going to bed and after waking up. My arms and legs are always trembling, my body is always feeling tensed, sometimes, it reaches my head. I bang my head on the wall. I pinch myself. I'm thinking of killing myself again. I made other people get mad at me, and some just drifted away from me. But I can't help it, it's hard for me to trust anyone. I don't trust myself either. I hate myself even more.

The Treatment...

I decided to reach a psychologist on June 2020. The diagnosis? Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

I was advised to undergo 1/week psychotherapy and 6 months of medication, but I chose the medicine only, which I thought the fastest way to heal. But the side effects kick as hell. It makes me barely move, I got chills and it wakes me up in the middle of the night to vomit. So, I tried to find another psychiatrist for an alternative, but ended up having a consultation with another psychologist instead. I presented the documents I got from the previous psychologist. After 4 hours of evaluation and discussion, he said that I also have borderline personality disorder. I was advised to continue the medicine, as the side effect is just in the beginning, and go through counselling/psychotherapy.

The Progress...

I decided to stop the medicine after 5 months. I continue psychotherapy, but I can't do that weekly as recommended, because it is expensive. As an alternative, I started writing a journal (which I eventually stopped because I don't like writing hehe), practice breathing exercise, meditation, and other indoor activities. One of my favorite is cooking. I'm also trying yoga. It's not easy, but it's fun. Drinking soft drinks, milk tea, and coffee worsen my anxiety/panic attacks, and I learned to control it, though it was hard at first because those are my favorite. I got my appetite back, and my weight is getting better (from 41KG to 47KG, target is 50-55KG as per my BMI). I'm doing work out again. It's effective for me because it stimulate the release of serotonin, which I need to stabilize my mood.

I usually don't open up to my family, but I am now able to share my current condition to them, little by little, because they are still in denial. I also shared this to some of my friends and workmates. At first, I was hesitant because I'm afraid of being discriminated, but so far, I never heard anything about it. I learned to cut ties with people from the past. I still have my trust issues and I became very skeptical, but I'm still trying not to add toxicity to my current relationship as much as possible.

I deleted my Twitter account last year, and my Facebook account last month. I do not watch or read news. I'm active on Instagram only, as it is less toxic there. Reducing time on social media and avoiding news give positive effects on me. I'm still dealing with anxiety/panic attacks, but it's not as often as before. To cope with the new situation during COVID-19, I travel once in a while. This is to help me reduce the fear and anxiety. There's no episode of self harm and suicide thoughts so far, but still, I cannot guarantee that those will never pass on my mind again. Another thing that I'm trying to work with right now is stress. When I'm stressed, naninira ako ng gamit, or sumisigaw. My pacing is slow, but progress is progress.

My recent travel in Manila.

So, that's it for today. I hope this clarifies everything sa mga curious sa current state ko, and actually, nahihirapan na ako mag english. Let me know pag may maling grammar ako. If up to this point nandito ka pa rin, maraming salamat sa iyo. Feel free to send me messages, tips, and advices to help me cope in this situation.

Take care of your mental health, everyone. Stay safe and pray always! 
♥, Anja