My Mental Health Journey

Warning: Long story.

So... This is it. Feeling uncomfortable though, but today, I'm going to share you my mental health journey. 

lezgaw mga darleng!

The Beginning...

I'm Anja. 27 years old.

I'm playful and friendly when I was in grade school. It changed when I entered high school. I was excited at first, but later on feeling ko, iba ako sa paningin nila. I felt intimidated and shy. I became hesitant to make new friends, thinking that they don't wanna get along with me, or they already hate me. From that, I developed my "emo" side. I got few friends, tapos temporary pa, and it's a pain for me kase seryoso ako sa mga kaibgan ko. I had relationships with the opposite sex at that very young age, which almost ruined my studies and my life. I tried to end my life by drinking bleach when my first boyfriend and I broke up. I was saved by a glass of warm water with sugar. My parents were very mad and worried about me, because something wrong is happening to me.

I was in third year high school when I was sexually harassed by my next boyfriend 7 years older than me. And I was exposed more to idiocy when I was in 4th year high school. I tried some of them, I thought it was normal and part of maturity. Then I got more friends, and no longer bothered if it's a short relationship. Still an "emo", but I gained a bit of optimism and confidence.

Some high school pics

I thought I was all good when I entered college, but my circle remained small. I started with 10+ friends, but now, I can't even remember their names. Friendships didn't last due to betrayals. I find it hard again to make friends. Someone said I'm a weirdo. I talk less, that's why people are uncertain to get along with me. I can still feel from their stares that they do not like me, and I'm different from them. I became fragile, but I still tried to be strong. 

Some college pics.

I met this guy when I was in third year college, and we were in a relationship for 6 years. I changed a lot noong naging kami. Parang may bagong "Anja" sa katauhan ko. The problem is, I developed self-harming (cutting and self-blaming) when we have problems. That's to avoid long fights, and for him not to leave me, so I'll take all the blame instead. My goals were set for the both of us. He introduced me to his family, and pinaglaban ko siya sa family ko. I thought that I'm strong, beautiful, wise, and enough. But we ended up in September 2018. It was devastating, and it changed my view on life. There's no sense of being happy again. Nothing is real. Shit will still happen even you do good things. Hindi ko na ulit kilala ang sarili ko. Our break up, and the stress I get from my family affected my job, social interactions, and well-being. 

Going To The Present...

I was still broken when I got into a relationship once again, an action I made out of being indecisive. I already moved on from that guy I've been with for six years, but I still feel ugly and unworthy. No direction. I still do not believe in anyone and in anything. I still feel helpless, even the help is already in front of me. Sometimes, I know what to do, but I can't initiate. I'm stuck between moving forward and doing nothing, because my mind tells me I'll still face the same pain, either I do good or bad.

Until, August 9, 2019, I tried to end my life again kase pagod na akong maghintay sa buhay na pangtapat sa lahat ng efforts ko. I posted it on my Twitter account (I also shared it on my IG Story) that I will try overdosing, and I will get back with a new tweet if I'm still alive.

This was me with my family, the day before "that." Funny how I can still manage to smile here, while I'm already broken inside.

This was me after I sent back home from the hospital.

I thought things would change after that, but it didn't. I resorted to smoking and infidelity just to tell myself I'm not being unfair to myself, since everyone is just fooling around. But later on, I decided to stop and focus on my self improvement. I have neglected myself too much. I went back to proper diet and exercise, and focus on the present.

But before 2020 ended, I found out that my boyfriend was also cheating on me. I got even more devastated. I never thought everything I was thinking are right. I'm a trash, unworthy, ugly. Pero bakit ngayon pa kung kailan tinutulungan ko na ang sarili kong makabangon ulit. We didn't broke up. I gave him a chance, bilang nag-cheat din ako. Hindi pa nga lang niya nalalaman.

Anxiety and panic attacks got even worse with self-harming again when the COVID-19 came, and when I confessed my infidelity to my boyfriend. I worry much about my family and my job. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because of what he knew. I worry much about everything. I miss my friends. I miss the office. I miss travelling, one of my therapy. I cannot go outside because of the lockdown, so I find it hard to keep my sanity, especially one of my stressors are the family issues. I panic easily into problems that can easily solve. I easily get affected by the problems of other people, negative posts in social media, and news. I cry every night, and even while working. I lost my appetite, and I wanted to chuck up what I ate. Fear is what I feel before going to bed and after waking up. My arms and legs are always trembling, my body is always feeling tensed, sometimes, it reaches my head. I bang my head on the wall. I pinch myself. I'm thinking of killing myself again. I made other people get mad at me, and some just drifted away from me. But I can't help it, it's hard for me to trust anyone. I don't trust myself either. I hate myself even more.

The Treatment...

I decided to reach a psychologist on June 2020. The diagnosis? Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

I was advised to undergo 1/week psychotherapy and 6 months of medication, but I chose the medicine only, which I thought the fastest way to heal. But the side effects kick as hell. It makes me barely move, I got chills and it wakes me up in the middle of the night to vomit. So, I tried to find another psychiatrist for an alternative, but ended up having a consultation with another psychologist instead. I presented the documents I got from the previous psychologist. After 4 hours of evaluation and discussion, he said that I also have borderline personality disorder. I was advised to continue the medicine, as the side effect is just in the beginning, and go through counselling/psychotherapy.

The Progress...

I decided to stop the medicine after 5 months. I continue psychotherapy, but I can't do that weekly as recommended, because it is expensive. As an alternative, I started writing a journal (which I eventually stopped because I don't like writing hehe), practice breathing exercise, meditation, and other indoor activities. One of my favorite is cooking. I'm also trying yoga. It's not easy, but it's fun. Drinking soft drinks, milk tea, and coffee worsen my anxiety/panic attacks, and I learned to control it, though it was hard at first because those are my favorite. I got my appetite back, and my weight is getting better (from 41KG to 47KG, target is 50-55KG as per my BMI). I'm doing work out again. It's effective for me because it stimulate the release of serotonin, which I need to stabilize my mood.

I usually don't open up to my family, but I am now able to share my current condition to them, little by little, because they are still in denial. I also shared this to some of my friends and workmates. At first, I was hesitant because I'm afraid of being discriminated, but so far, I never heard anything about it. I learned to cut ties with people from the past. I still have my trust issues and I became very skeptical, but I'm still trying not to add toxicity to my current relationship as much as possible.

I deleted my Twitter account last year, and my Facebook account last month. I do not watch or read news. I'm active on Instagram only, as it is less toxic there. Reducing time on social media and avoiding news give positive effects on me. I'm still dealing with anxiety/panic attacks, but it's not as often as before. To cope with the new situation during COVID-19, I travel once in a while. This is to help me reduce the fear and anxiety. There's no episode of self harm and suicide thoughts so far, but still, I cannot guarantee that those will never pass on my mind again. Another thing that I'm trying to work with right now is stress. When I'm stressed, naninira ako ng gamit, or sumisigaw. My pacing is slow, but progress is progress.

My recent travel in Manila.

So, that's it for today. I hope this clarifies everything sa mga curious sa current state ko, and actually, nahihirapan na ako mag english. Let me know pag may maling grammar ako. If up to this point nandito ka pa rin, maraming salamat sa iyo. Feel free to send me messages, tips, and advices to help me cope in this situation.

Take care of your mental health, everyone. Stay safe and pray always! 
♥, Anja

Life Update: Online Interaction Fatigue

Finally, a new blog after more than a year! But this is not the usual blog na pino-post ko. No travel blogs for now due to the pandemic. This time, I call it "life update". I've been uploading vlogs recently about my online shopping, food, and daily routine. This one is about one thing that I'm trying to cope with up to now - Online interacting.

So... I hope everyone's well. Given our current situation (na mahigit 1 year na), we have no choice but to keep ourselves safe inside our home. No going outside, unless it's for essential needs. No physical contact with friends for now, kaya lahat ng kwentuhan, bonding, minsan events, sa online na lang muna.

Today, I will share what happened to me last Thursday. I should've published this earlier, but I have too much time na sa screen. Imagine, from Monday to Friday, 8am to 5pm, maghapon akong nasa harap ng computer, typing and talking with customers. So, I spent time muna away from my computer and cellphone.

I woke up at 7am, feeling demotivated already. Nasabi ko agad sa sarili ko, "eto na naman, trabaho na naman maghapon." Work from home is our current setup. Kung dati, bago magtrabaho, nakikipagkamustahan muna sa workmates or mag be-breakfast with them. Ngayon, mag aayos lang ako ng sarili, mag aalmusal mag isa, at mauupo na sa harap ng computer at magtatrabaho. I ate spaghetti for breakfast. Kinalimutan ko muna ng bahagya ang pagiging demotivated, since I had one of my favorite food to start the day.

Hindi pa nangangalahati ang araw, ramdam ko na ang pagod ko sa trabaho. Sunod-sunod ang calls and complicated inquiries ng mga customers. Kung dati, nakakapag vent out pa between calls sa workmates. Ngayon, sa group chat na lang ang lahat ng hanash. Malaki pa rin ang difference mula doon sa physical mo silang nakikita at nakakatabi, at nakaka-kwentuhan mo habang wala pang calls. But I kept going kahit na nakaka-stress na. Until it's lunch time, I had ginisang kalabasa. Ako lang ulit mag isa because my parents were working, and my sister was with her boyfriend.

Few hours left before my shift ends, feeling ko drained na ako. Lumipas ang break scheds ko nang hindi ko nagamit sa pakikipag bonding with workmates. Before, we spend time sa lounge sa taas ng company gym, o sa labas ng office to smoke. Now, mag isa lang ako, and some of them are unreachable kahit sa cellphone due to different shifts. Naisip ko, baka hindi ito pagod, kundi boredom lang itong nararamdaman ko. So, during my 1 hour break, nag workout ako. I did cardio exercise and stretching.

But I felt more tired after I workout. Hindi ako makapag hintay na matapos yung work ko for that day, and switch to my cellphone na to talk with friends online. Until it was 5pm na, parang gusto kong mag shutdown na lang din na parang computer ko, dahil hindi ko na kaya yung pagod ko. Yung pagod na hindi ko alam if I was physically, or mentally tired.

(This was posted on my Facebook account.)

I kept scrolling, and reading and answering messages, dahil uhaw ako sa kausap (daily, since the lockdown started), pero unti unti na akong nawawalan ng mga salita. Hindi ko na alam kung paano magre-reply kase nanginginig na ako sa pagod at gutom. But I have to move once more. Nakauwi na ang tatay ko from work at nakapag luto na rin ng dinner. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pagkain lang siguro ang kailangan ko para maging ok ako bago man lang tuluyang matapos ang araw na ito.

(Nilagang Baka, luto ng tatay ko for dinner.)

Ramdam kong pinagmamaasdan ako ng tatay ko habang kumakain ng mabagal (masarap yung ulam, pero hindi ko na ikakaila pa, hindi na talaga ako ok.) Noong natapos na silang kumain ni nanay, hindi umalis sa tabi ko si tatay. Siguro ramdam niya na hindi ako ok, hindi lang siya makapagsalita. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ie-explain sa tatay ko yung nararamdaman ko noong araw na iyon, kase ayoko sanang makadagdag sa alalahanin niya, lalo na ngayon na may sama din siya ng pakiramdam.

Toothbrush lang ang nagawa ko sa sarili ko after dinner, then I went back to my room to rest. That night, nagkaroon kami ng nobyo ko ng video call, and at last, nakapag vent out ako ng mga saloobin at nararamdaman ko. 

(Ako at ang nobyo ko via video call.)

I'm so tired of this situation na through social media sites or SMS lang muna ang way para makipag usap sa mga kaibigan. I understand that it's been more than a year already, na dapat sanay na ako, pero para bang hindi ako para sa ganito. Hindi tayo para sa ganito, at hindi dapat tayo hanggang dito lang. Gaya ng nasabi ko kanina, gusto ko ng laging may kausap, but as much as I wanted na makipag kwentuhan after a very tiring day, hindi ko na siya magawa. Nakakapagod nang humarap sa screen ng cellphone at mag type ng messages.

Nakaka-miss yung physical bondings with friends during breaks and after work. Ibang iba pa rin talaga yung may physical contact with friends, mas nakakawala ng stress. Dati, ok lang ma-stress sa work kase may katabi kang kaibigan to share all your hanash. Ngayon, lalo nang nakaka-stress dahil magkakalayo kami, hindi lang one seat apart, kundi kilometers away.

And tomorrow, it's Monday again. Nandito yung nagwo-worry ako agad kase baka maramdaman ko na naman yung ganitong pagod at stress, hindi sa trabaho, kundi sa paghahanap ng physical interaction with friends.

If up to this point nandito ka pa rin at nagbabasa, maraming salamat sa iyo. I hope you guys are safe wherever you are. Always follow our safety protocols para maiwasan ang pagkakahawaan ng COVID-19. Magkaroon tayo ng ambag to stop the spread of this virus, para makabalik na tayo sa normal - yung free na tayo from face masks and face shields, yung wala nang alalahaning sakit, yung makakaharap at mahahawakan na muli natin ang ating mga kaibigan.

Feel free to send me messages, tips, and advices to help me cope on this situation.

Instagram: eyardiph

Facebook: The Curious Anja

Thank you guys! Stay safe and pray always!

♥, Anja

An Open Letter to My Ex

Dear Derp,

Hi. Kamusta ka na? Sana mabasa mo ito. Sorry kung nakaabala ako. Pero hindi ko rin kase maiwasang maalala na sana 6th anniversary natin ngayon.
Gusto ko lang sabihin na nami-miss kita, buong ikaw at lahat ng ginagawa nating magkasama. I miss your smell, your touch, your music.
Ang saya natin dati. And until now naka-hang pa rin ako, bakit iniwan mo ako ng walang reason.

Mahal naman kita at alam ng buong mundo iyon. Pinaglaban kita. Tinulungan kita, inalagaan. Nagpakaayos ako ng sarili ko. Tinanggap kita sa kung ano ka, lahat ng good and bad sides mo. Ayoko ngang nadadapuan ka ng insekto saka napagpapawisan eh. Pati nga utot mo salo ko. Nagkulang ba ako? Lumabis? Blankong blanko talaga ako Derp, as in hindi ko alam kung bakit. Binigay ko naman ang lahat, but in the end, sumuko ka, at hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit. Isang malaking BAKIT.

Alam mo ba, gusto kitang kulitin, i-message, tawagan... Gusto kitang guluhin, at piliting makipagbalikan sa akin. I know alam mo yan kase kilala mo akong makulit eh. At kung ano ang gusto ko makuha pinipilit ko talaga. Kaso batid kong ilang beses na nauulit itong problema na ito sa atin. Sabi ko nga, kaya ko pang lumaban. Ako pa! Kaso ganun pa rin, talo pa rin ako, at ikaw sumuko na so hindi na magwo-work pa. Kaya kong panindigan ang mga pangako ko, pero wala na ring patutunguhan pa kase ung taong gusto kong alayan ng buong pagmamahal ko, umayaw na.

Sobrang sakit pa rin hanggang ngayon, iniiyakan pa rin kita sa araw at gabi, minsan sa kalagitnaan ng trabaho ko. Kase ang pangarap ko ay ikaw habangbuhay, gusto ko ikaw na sa huli. Kase masaya ako sayo. Kasi tinanggap mo ako sa kung sino ako. And the fact na nakakailang boyfriend na ako, kaya ayoko na talaga maghanap pa ng iba. Hindi na rin naman tayo mga bata. Yung maging end game kita, kahit yun man lang matira ko para sa sarili ko. Kaya nagpakaayos ako at ginalingan ko sayo.
Kaya lagi kong tanong, bakit? Bakit sumuko ka na?

Bakit kasi hindi mo kaya ang responsibility? Nagtagal tayo, pero bakit ganito, am I really not enough to help you? Bakit hindi mo kayang mahalin ang sarili mo? Yun na lang talaga ang kulang, at ang lahat siguradong tatakbo ng maayos kung magagawa mo. Hindi naman yun para sa akin, kundi para sa sarili mo.
Pero gaya ng gusto mo, hindi na kita kukulitin. Minsan nga bine-brainwash ko na lang sarili ko na baka everything you did is just to please me. Pero may side sa akin na hindi, mahal mo rin ako. Lalo na pag naaalala kong ako yung nilalapitan mo para maiyakan pag hindi mo na kaya.
Ngayon kaya, kamusta ka?
Hay...

Pero heto, bigay ko na sayo yung space na gusto mo. Kung hindi talaga ako effective edi ganun na lang.
So this time magbibigay na rin ako para sa sarili ko. Ikaw na dating nagpapaligaya sa akin (next to my family), ngayon pipilitin kong maging masaya sa ibang bagay. Ayoko namang magpakalunod sa lungkot, pipilitin ko nang hindi umiyak at magpuyat, masama sa health ko. Kailangan ko rin talaga mag-move on, kasi nahihirapan akong umasa, lalo na't kitang kita sayo na ayaw mo na talaga. Naaawa rin naman ako sa sarili ko, at ayoko ding nakikita ang tatay ko na nalulungkot o nagagalit pag nakakapagsalita ako ng mga bagay like naghahabol ako sayo, bagay na gusto ko talagang gawin, pero dapat nang itigil.
Alam kong may formal break up naman na tayo, pero from now on, titigil na rin ako.
Pero hindi ako nagsasalita ng TAPOS.
Hindi kita makakalimutan. Hindi ko itatapon ang lahat sa atin.
Hindi ikaw ang 1st boyfriend ko, pero ikaw ang greatest heartbreak ko, NA HANDA KO PA RIN YAKAPIN NG SOBRANG HIGPIT KUNG MAGBABALIK.

Maalala mo lang yung sinabi ko sayo na pag better person ka na, ako ang pinakamasayang tao. At maging better person ka man with someone new, kahit masakit, masaya na rin ako, at least better person ka na.
Andito pa rin ako para sayo.
Hindi kita hihintayin, pero sana hindi ka mag-hesitate na lumapit if need mo, kahit anong dahilan pa yan, kahit kasama lang sa foodtrip or gala mo. Ako pa rin itong tumanggap sayo after mong ipakilala sa akin ang pinakamadilim na parte ng mundo mo.
Pangako, hindi ka magsisisi sa paglapit mo sa akin. Nasa puso lang kita lagi.

Mag iingat ka lagi ha? Sana you're learning to love yourself na. Regards na lang sa papa at kuya mo. Salamat na rin, at sorry sa lahat ng nagawa kong mali.
Galingan mo sa work and studies mo. Live healthy, para sayo din yan. Godbless.
Until we meet again.


Your Derpina,
Anja D.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!

Ang bilis ng panahon, noh? Parang kailan lang nung na-celebrate natin ang New Year's Eve 2017, ngayon isa na namang panibagong taon ang sinasalubong ng mundo.

Masaya, at marami akong pinagpapasalamat sa taong 2017. Marami akong natanggap na blessings, at marami din akong nagawang mga bagay na di ko akalaing magagawa ko.

Unang una dyan ay yung first time kong mag mountain hiking. Together with Team Lakbyahero, I was able to reach the summit of Mount Maculot, and take note, that mountain is 900+ meters high above sea level! It was not easy for a first timer like me, pero bilang isang nature lover, sobrang na-enjoy ko ang pag-akyat, as in no dull moment! Na-enjoy ko, maging ang pagtitig sa mga bulate. Haha. I am very lucky to be with the team kase inalalayan nila kaming joiners sa bawat pag hakbang, akyat, at gapang. Haha. They are so cool and funny, at talagang ino-observe nila ang LNT (Leave No Trace). Nakita kong malaki ang pagpapahalaga ng team sa pagpe-preserve ng ganda ng kalikasan.

Kaso dito din nangyare ang unang heart break ng 2017 ko. Alam mo yung feeling na nasa summit ka, tapos bigla kang makaka-receive ng text na sabi "naka-confine si tatay." Nag worry ako ng sobra, naiiyak, at nag iisip kung tatalon na ba ako o gugulong pababa ng bundok, makauwi lang agad at mapuntahan ang tatay ko sa hospital. Nabalitaan iyon ng team, so while we're on our way home, we prayed for the fast recovery of my tatay, and for our safe trip going back to our places. Maraming salamat talaga sa Team Lakbyahero. At iyon nga, after few days, nailabas din ng hospital si tatay. :)

Sumunod ay ang last dance ko with PHC Engineering Family. Last dance, kase I was still chasing for a bigger opportunity to develop myself, so after a year and a half, nag-decide akong mag-resign. I was happy because finally I got the courage to face new stage of my life, as in yung mag a-out of the shell ako, but not happy at the same time kase maiiwan ko sila. Mixed emotions. Hindi ko man naging ka-close ang lahat, may mga naipon naman akong masasayang moments na kasama sila, making it a bit difficult to leave them. Pero suportado sila sa naging desisyon ko, so it was not that hard to take a step away from them. Alam ko naman sa sarili kong nakapag-serve ako sa kanila ng maayos, at na-satisfy ko sila sa nai-perform ko sa trabaho.

J.Co na lang siguro para sa kanila, kapag ako ay naka-visit. Haha.

So I have mentioned about leaving my previous job, dito ko nga na-experience ang magtrabaho sa Manila as a call center agent. Matagal na itong nasa bucket list ko. Gusto ko maranasan yung tumira sa malayo at mabuhay ng mag isa. Kung saan saan ako nag-apply. Isang beses nga sa pag a-apply ko, naligaw ako sa Makati. Haha. Hanggang sa nakarating ako ng Mandaluyong, at doon ako nakahanap ng trabaho. At... hindi naging madali sa akin ang lahat. Isang buwan lang yata ako don. Haha. Sooobrang hirap para sa katulad kong family-centered. Well, kaya ko naman, kaso sumabay noon yung break up namin ng boyfie ko, tapos namatay pa yung paborito kong pusa na si Pepper, so working there turned not easy for me. Laging kulang ang dahilan ko araw-araw para lumakas at ma-motivate sa work. Toxic pa yung account, as in, basura. Haha. Sorry sa term. But it is what it is, as that is what I have noticed while I was still there, many employees come, but leave after few weeks. Anyway, there are happy and funny moments pa rin naman while I was living in Manila. I met awesome people. Bukod sa pamba-bash sa account namin, kain at inom ang trip namin. Haha. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung bumiyahe ako from Shaw to Cavite ng lasing. Haha. Drunken Mustard. Malaking grupo kami noong una, pero dahil nga sa pangit yung account, unti-unti din kaming nababawasan. Pero hanggang sa pinakamaliit na grupo na nakasalamuha ko, rakenrol lang kami hanggang sa huling araw ko doon.

Habang nasa Manila ako, doon ako dinadalaw ng ex ko. Haha. Kaynes. Nakaramdam na naghiwalay kami ni boyfie. Kaya nag-effort sa akin at sa pamilya ko para mapasaya ako. Kung anu-ano ang dinadala sakin - pagkain, reviewer, at ginagala niya ako minsan pag may time. Siya nga yata ang dahilan kaya naipasa ko ang sub-pro civil service last March. Kaya salamat din sa kanya for making me feel better sa mga panahong bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. Sinalo niya lahat ng hinanakit ko, kahit ba alam kong nasasaktan din siya.

Pero, ex is ex. Hindi ko na talaga kaya ibalik yung dating kami.
Sorry.
:(
NEEEEEXT!!!

Bagong trabaho! This time, within Cavite area na lang. Malayo pa rin sa amin, but I feel better now that I'm living with my family again. At kami na ulit ni boyfie. Haha. Malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa isang taong tumulong sa akin makapasok sa isang magandang kumpanya gaya ng pinapasukan ko ngayon. Mas natutulungan ko ngayon ang family ko. Ako na nagbabayad ng lahat ng bills sa bahay. Haha. Nakatagpo din ako dito ng mga awesome na tao. Iba-iba ang personality, pero cool silang lahat. Haha. Astig. Mababait sila sa akin, at hindi ko alam kung ako ba eh nakatagpo ng mga taong kayang sakyan ang personality ko, o ako ba eh nagbago lang at natutong makihalubilo sa iba't ibang klase ng tao. Ano nga ba? Basta, I am happy with the job I have right now.

Sumunod ay ang backpacking DIY travel namin ni boyfie sa Layag-layag Beach, Batangas. At first, naghe-hesitate si boyfie kase he's not into adventure. Hindi katulad ko na adventurous. Nakuha lang talaga siya sa pilit. Haha. But see, no regrets din ang lolo mo! Nag enjoy din siya. Nag enjoy kami. That day brought us lots of "first time" experiences. First time niya sumakay ng bangka, first time namin magtayo ng tent, first time namin makarating sa isang napakagandang beach kagaya nito. And we are looking forward for more! Ngayon pinipilit ko naman siyang mag mountain hiking. We'll see. Haha.

Sumunod ay ang pagbabalik ko sa cosplay after one year. I had my Seras Victoria photoshoot with a photographer I have met when I was working at PHC. Seras Victoria is from the anime Hellsing Ultimate, and she is one of my favorite characters I want to portray someday. And thanks to sir for making this dream of mine come true. But honestly, cosplay is not part of my priorities anymore. It's now not part of my hobbies either. I mean, mahaba ang panahon na lumipas, and many have changed. Now I'm more into prioritizing my family. So this 2017, I have decided that at the age of 25, I will quit cosplaying. For good. I even started selling some of my cosplay stuff. I wont feel bad about my decision. Kase family talaga ang priority ko ngayon. At travel na rin siguro. Haha. #SingleFeels.

Speaking of travel, isa pa sa bucket list na na-achieve ko ay ang mag-ConDoing (vacation sa Condo, haha) with my sister. Doon kami sa Tagaytay (oh di'ba, ang layo sa amin? Haha.) Tamang walwalan lang na walang inom. Puro kain lang at picture-picture. Haha. Tamang chill lang sa sobrang chill na place dahil napakalamig doon. Haha. Finally, nagkaroon din kami ng time ng kapatid kong makapag bonding kase since na mag-work siya sa *toooot*, wala na kami nagiging bonding. Nagkikita sa bahay, pero walang bonding. Saka puro siya boyfriend! Asar! Buti nai-push namin ang araw na ito kase this day also helped her to forget (somehow) all the bullsh*ts she experienced while working at *toooot*. Buti na lang at nag-resign na siya ngayon doon, and now, she have time to heal for a while bago ulit sumabak sa world full of jobs and taxes. Haha.

And lastly, ang Christmas dinner date namin with my family! Why is it a memorable one for me? Kase, night time naman this time. Yes, night life and bonding with my family for the first time! Haha. We usually go out during Christmas and have lunch in a *fancy* restaurant, but this time, naging advance ang celebration namin. This is because may duty kinabukasan ng umaga si tatay. So, dinner na lang. Haha. Short lang yung time namin to decide where to go and what to eat. Doon kami napunta sa Tagaytay. We left home around 6PM, and we went back home at 10PM. Magchi-chill pa sana kami sa Starbucks, pero halos lahat ng stores doon eh maaga nagsara para sa noche buena (yes, we don't do noche buena, but we have our yearly Christmas family reunion every evening of December 25). Haha. Poweeer!

These are just some of my happy experiences from the year 2017. Marami pa akong masasayang bagay na na-experience, at hindi ko lang maisa-isa sa blog kong ito dahil sa kagaya kong makakalimutin, kailangan ko pang halukayin ang gallery ko para ma-recall lahat ng nangyare sa akin sa taong ito.

Pero para din naging roller coaster ang 2017 ko dahil may mga lungkot at sakit din akong na-encounter. Maraming heartbreaks ang nangyare. Gaya nga ng nasabi ko kanina, my boyfie and I broke up. Pero kami na ulit. Sana hindi na maghiwalay pa.

Maraming nanakit sa akin. Marami din akong nasaktan. Pero ngayon sinusubukan kong magpatawad, humingi ng tawad, at kalimutan ang lahat ng sakit. Kase naman, move on din pag may time! Haha! Ano ba? Ayokong tapusin itong blog na ito ng malungkot. Haha. Unang blog ng taon, malungkot? No way! Haha.

Above all, natapos ang 2017 na wala akong major major sakit! Naging sakitin ako since 2013. At natutunan ko sa taon na ito na ingatan ang sarili ko para hindi na magkasakit pa. Sana ma-maintain ko ito hanggang sa mga susunod pang mga taon. At sana wala na din heartaches and heartbreaks! P*ta. Haha.

Marami pa sa list ko ang hindi pa nagagawa, at madadagdagan pa. Sana ma-achieve ko ang lahat ng ito. At sana lahat ng backlogs ko matapos ko na. Ang dami ko pang pending na pang 2014 pa. Kaynes. Haha. I know I can do this, with the help of God.
WELCOME 2018! RAKENROL TO THE WORLD! HAHA!

May 2017 isn't Good for Me :'(

I'm serious at the moment.

May 2017 isn't good for me.

It's like in just a snap i lost some of my friends. Kung kailan may pambili na ako ng J.Co at sushi i can't drop by to see them. I miss them. I'm very angry on that person who caused this, & wtf she acts like she's the victim on the situation. We weren't that close but i trustED her since highschool, and until now i keep all her secrets she shared to me even i'm like i wanna fight her now and make revenge pero hindi kaya ng konsensya ko. I don't wanna go back to old, war-freak me. Every night napapaisip ako, napapaiyak minsan, nagtatanong, bakit ganon? Bakit kahit gaanong ingat at iwas ko sa mga ganong klaseng tao they keep on crossing (& ruining) my life. Hindi naman ako kabaitan, but what i've done to them? God knows mga katulad nila ang dahilan kung bakit introvert ako ngayon, distant to people due to trust issue. I already encountered lots of fake people, lies, broken promises, heartbreaks, etc. Ang liit na nga ng circle of friends ko. Why i still have to experience this?

Another thing is yung nangyayare sa Mindanao ngayon. Yeah i know matagal nang may gulo dyan, pero grabe na ngayon. Nakakadurog ng puso. And at the same time, i'm terrified. I really hate violence, i'm scared of it. Kung may mas nakakatakot pa sa multo, then it's the reality-reality na kahit saan hindi na nawawala ang violence. I still remember, one person i respect (until now, he's a manager btw) threw a joke to me over the phone out of nowhere: "Gusto mo ipa-riding in tandem kita?" It's... it's not a good joke for me! It scares me! I still remember several years ago, our neighbor (dikit bahay lang namin) died from 3 gunshots hit his head and chest. I was still awake that time, a moment later i heard cries & shouts, asking for help. And few weeks ago, an unknown person on a motorcycle passed in our area fired gunshots in the air. Dati every afternoon nagja-jogging pa ako sa lugar namin, pero ngayon hindi na because crime is everywhere, i'm now afraid to go outside of our house. I barely sleep, i'm even having nightmares sometimes because of violence i saw from the news. I even don't wanna talk about politics. Bakit ganon? I'm willing to surrender everything, matupad lang hiling ko-Peace on Earth (akala siguro ng ibang nakakaalam nito, nagjo-joke lang ako).

Oh God. May pa lang po ngayon. Ano pa? Ano pa ba mae-encounter ko sa mga susunod na buwan?

Decorating my phone's Bumper Case using Deca Stickers

Hello everyone! Enjoy na enjoy tayo sa long weekend natin, ah? Ay, oo nga pala... Kayo lang pala ang may long weekend. Kase ako, may pasok na bukas. Huhu... syet, kaingget! T_T

Anyways, andito na naman ako para sa isang umaatikabong blog tungkol sa naging araw ko at sa isang item na nabili ko kanina.

11:30am nagkita kami ni boyfie. Nagpasama ako sa kanya kanina sa NOVO (isang store sa Crossing Mendez, Tagaytay kung saan makakabili ka ng mura, pero hindi pipityuging mga items) para bumili ng office supplies. Bago dumiretso doon, nag-lunch muna kami sa SaveMore.

(ang tagal ng order namin, kaya selfie muna...)

Pagkakain, dumiretso kami agad sa NOVO. Una naming hinanap yung mga kailangan kong bilhin. Nakapag ikot pa kami kahit konte sa loob, at ayun... nagturo ako. xD nakakita ako ng deca stickers. Sakto, at gusto ko kasi lagyan ng design yung bumper case ng cellphone ko. I used to decorate my gadgets using deca stickers kase they're so kawaii. So, namili na ako ng design na gusto ko. Nagpatulong din ako kay boyfie kung anong kulay ang maganda at babagay sa cellphone ko.

(ang itsura ni boyfie dahil nagturo na naman ako at siya ang gumastos xD)

Pagkauwi ay inumpisahan ko nang lagyan ng decoration ang aking cellphone case.

(say it in cry_stals??? bakit nagkaroon ng space.? xD )

(the back of the pack caught my attention because of the texts. let's read!)

1.) Please remove DIRTY? WHEN STICK? huh?

2.) Please TEAR THE CELL-PHONE??? like this??

3.) After stick on the cell-phone, it needs 30 minutes that sticker could be totally fixed.

(I slip on my grammar sometimes, but this is too much! Hahaha! Ayoko na.)

Attention!

•TOIMPIVE the PATTEM?? PLEASE COMPREHEND US? oh my go* xD

(eeehh!! no such word like TOIMPIVE.)

(how to read this? xD)

(OPERATOIN MERHOD???) 

(if Google translate is not enough. haha! Ayoko na talaga xD )

Let's start the real thang!

(done!)

(BEFORE)

(AFTER)